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Dealing with EX Friends Forever?

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• Dealing with Ex September 24, 2002 [9] 9/24 10:14pm

• Dealing with Ex May 18, 2004 [15] 5/18 04:49pm

Join the most exciting new community on Family issues. You will like it. idealFamily.Com - Discuss family issues Life styles household, housekeeping and secrets to family life

IdealFamily.com is a clean community for all moms, dads and members of family who want to live a loving, fulfilling life. Please join it free and share your love. Win new friends and receive plenty of blessings and love.

Hi,

I was in love with my brother since seven years and am still in love with him though both of us r married and i even have a daughter. I have a caring husband but I don't love him as I love my brother. Even my brother loves me a lot. and we still want to continue this relation forever. But the problem is my brother too got married recently and he has started sharing love with his wife too though he says that he doesn't like her. He says he just dont want to break that relation as we are from a good family. I have become very irritated these days with his behaviour as he is not at all trying to meet or call me as he does earlier and I am not able to digest this as I truly love him a lot. Kindly advise me on this regard as to how I should cope up my relations with my Husband and brother. I love my brother a lot. I don't even feel like eating anything and have been starving since days.

Oh dear. The signs you show are not really love but addictive affiliation with a sibling which can be considered extreme.

A marriage does mean naturally to almost all human beings with mature minds, a marriage of two partners. Any other party, children, brothers, sisters, parents or friends or nearby relatives must not come in between the two partners that form a sacred relation like marriage.

You are not only hurting your husband with all your might by denying him love, when he does care for you but you are also literally hurting your brother by interfering in his natural relation to his wife.

A brotherly relation does not mean to be an addictive one. For good orders sake you must allow your brother to live on his life and you must not be so selfish as to control his life through your style of love.

This is sure not love at all but an acidic, negative and addictive possession that can actually destroy 2 marriages.

Please seek advice of other people surely but if you really love a brother you have to simply pray for his success in all spheres including his marriage.

Learn to live your life with your husband without controlling life of others. It will do good to you and children.

editor

Well where do I start my wife and I just recently divorced it was ugly. I had found out that she had started a relationship with another man out of town 4 months before our separation. Nonetheless her complain with me was that she felt as if I was controlling I at first couldn't see what she was talking about but finally I admitted it and decided to get help. I put in about 6months of soled soul searching and help from a relationship counselor. My ex acknowledged the change in me but still continues on with the other relationship out of town. She tells me she loves me and cares for me but is trying to find out what makes her happy she says that I am showing her everything that she needs and wants but is still confused, she also admits that she has her own problems that she has to deal with NDP narcissistic personality disorder. I truly love her but at times I feel like I am doing too much to get her back and not allowing her to do some of her own work on the relationship so that she feels that she can make me happy as well. We are communicating so much more than when we where married. She acknowlged that she should talked more that I was not a mind reader, and I in return said that I should have helped to establishing a safe open environment for us to talk openly about anything... Please help need direction.

My husband and I have been married for two years. For 1.5 of those years, I have been had a full-time job and been a full-time student. He has said that I am too stressed and busy to pay attention to him at the end of the day, and it's true.

After a blow-up fight, I realized that my marriage was in big trouble. I decided to put my husband first, school second, and work third. I decided not to work as I cannot manage all three relationships. My husband was excited about this new arrangement and said we should've made this change earlier.

My new schedule of being a full-time wife and part-time student began only two weeks ago. In those two weeks, my husband has hardly been around. He's been taking sports classes 3 nights a week and plays music 2 nights a week at open-mic.

A few evenings ago, I was going to prepare a nice dinner. He walked in from work and said he was going to "have a snack" and go out and play music.

I let him know I was dissapointed by using that old passive aggressive stand-by -- the silent treatment. After a day of this, he got fed up and told me he can't do it anymore and wants a divorce.

He hasn't given our new arrangement a chance. I am blown away by this because it was something he wanted me to do for a long time. I was so self-absorbed that I didn't see that I was ignoring his needs.

Too little too late?

My husband and I are separated after 40 years of marriage.
He has filed for a divorce. He lives in another state. he won't
move his stuff from my house. What should I do with it?

DM -

It is scary - I am going through it now. For me the decision to seperate came after many months (years really) of trying to save my marriage.

Couple of things. First - do NOT go after your ex (not now anyway). You need to first determine what to do with the current situation, then deal with that and not move on for some time therafter (in terms of jumping in to another relationship).

Second - are you sure it's over? What type of counseling/reading have you done? What needs of yours are not being met - and is it possible for him to meet them? Have you discussed this with him - or is he like me, truley ignorant (not in a bad way, but just does not know/understand) your needs? That was the case with me...

Anyway try to think through this, and what you want. You will then need to share that with him. If there is hope there are a number of books/support you can get (I can suggest some). If you decide to leave, we can help there too - but please only do that if you have exhausted all other opportunities. You deserve to be happy, but sometimes it is there for you and you don't know it.

I don't know what to do here, I have been married for 10 years to my husband, whom although he is a great guy, there is no chemistry there, and I am not sure there has ever been. I met him on the rebound from my ex, who at 16 I know I was in love with, and have been obsessing over ever since. My marriage was a natural progression because we became friends and I tried to base a marriage on that. We have 2 kids together, and a "perfect" life from an outsiders standpoint, but I am not happy, and haven't been for a long time. Needless to say, sex has been a huge effort on my part, and I am resenting my husband for making me feel like it was my "duty" to our marriage, even though he knew most of the time I had no enjoyment whatseoever. I had 2 affairs in our marriage, both of which my husband knew something about, but chose to ignore. I have looked up my ex now after 15 years, and found him to be divorced, also with 2 kids. I want to be with him, and he says he wants to be with me too, but I can't just jump from one relationship into the next.My feelings for him are so strong, and although I don't know if anything will ever work between us again, I feel that I am passing him up again if we don't try. What do I do? I say I want to save my marriage, because it is the easier of the two paths at this point, and I am good for taking the easier way out, but my heart is not in it anymore. I am just exausted from trying already, but don't know if I have enough in me to go through the alternative.I am prepared to face that I will be alone, and not with my ex, I can deal with that, its just the getting there that is very scary at this point. Please help...

Here's a thought - why not?

Think about it.

Is your relationship a partnership?

Should the husband help house work? Why?

Hey unfortunately i have no idea why i'm hanging around or was hanging around except tht i believed the man i meet was still in him somewhere and i could find him again. Guess i was wrong. Well i've decided not to talk to him since the last tym i wrote, but i am not going to tell him i was joking about the baby( coz that in fact would be talking to him, ryt.) And i don't think he wud care anyway because he sed he can't have other kids and he doesn't have tym to worry about me & some kid. I guess i'm ready to move on with my life and 4get about him. I still think about him but not as obssesively as b4. I still feel really used esp since he is one of the only guys i have really trusted. Counseling i have considered, but i don't knw where to get it that wouldn't cost me a fortune. I guess wat i still don't understand is how he could have been so wonderful and perfect b4 then turn into such a monster. Lyk he was two dfrnt ple.

If all of this is true then you should think you need some counseling. You have allowed yourself to be used, and continue to do that. This is bad.

In addition you are lying to him, and enjoying it. You are not walking away to find something better for yourself. You deserve better, but there is a reason you are haning around. You need to find out what that reason is.

Stay strong, stay indendent, and just drop the charade and don't see this guy again.

Just one man's opinion.

I meet this guy a few months ago and totally fell in love with him. I'm 18 he's 28 but it felt so right and he made me feel okay about it. It was different with him or so I thought. When we meet i decided my relationship with him would be different and i would give it all i had and be honest about everthing go that extra mile i didn't with the guys before. He had broken up with his partner of 7 years and they had 3 kids together. She had been sleeping with another man. He was still living with her which i was uncomfortable with, but he assured me it was for the kids and she was leaving the state in a month anyway. So i told him about my last relationship how i was hurt and really didn't want to be with anyone else afterwards. He talked to me about it was understanding and i sarted to trust him. I fell in love with and he was always talking about our fuure how he wanted to marry me and all. He was very busy with work but always went out of his way to see me alot. Then he started being too busy to see me. He would see me for about 10mins sometimes. Then it became once or twice a week.Then he started calling once a day then less. He promised me his ex was leaving and he took them to the airport and something happened and they didn't leave. Things after that got worse i was always asking him what was going on and he kept telling me it was work and things would get better. They didn't. I asked him to choose if he wanted to be with me or not, and that if he did he had to stop treating me like crap. He told me he wanted to be wih me and i told him to give me an answer the next day after thinking about it.The next morning he told me i should get on with my life. He asked my friend to help me get over it and that we were definately over.

I went to see him 3 days later, to give him back his CD's and i asked him why he broke up with me and he sed he didn't. He sed he loved me and it wasn't over. I was happy, but he didn't talk to me after hat for a week. Till i saw him out one night. He took me home and sed things would get better in two weeks after he finished a work project. So for two weeks i didn't talk to him, i tried calling and txting in the first week with no reply. I went to see him a work 3 weeks later and he sed he wanted to catch up that nyt and he told me he would leave me if i didn't sleep with him and his bestfriend togeher. We were all drunk and I did it crying the whole tym. After that night i knew he didn't respct me and i don't want to be with him. I feel so used. Two days later i asked him to just tell me it was over and he sed it wasn't. Then i made him admit he was wih his ex again and he did. I was used to get back his ex for cheating because he sed they are back togther coz things are even now she slept with another man and know he had evened up the scale.

Now i told him i'm pregnant with his kid, which i'm not and he is really angry about it, but i think he desrves to suffer too. He is telling he can't have anymore kids and i should abort, but i'm enjoying getting him back because i was used. I'm still hurt and i jus want any advice i can get. I know lying is wrong, but i feel wa he did was worse. Can someone tell me wat they think

Sara -

I hate to state the obvious - but you really need to go back and read your post. Pretend it is someone else who has written it. What would you tell them?

Here is what I took out of it:

* My boyfriend slept with another woman, in my bed, in my house, and I caught him
* He is not remorseful - rather is now dating her
* He won't have anything to do with me unless he needs something
* He won't have anything to do with his son - our child

I know you have feelings for this guy, but lets be honest here - he is not the one for you. He does not love or respect you - and you deserve that. He is not a stand up guy - or would be spending more time and resources on his son.

Get an atty, get what you need from him (financially), get his stuff out of your place. Seek some counseling to help you understand why you still love him - so that you can avoid making a similar choice going forward. This guy is not right for you - you know it.

I hate being blunt - but from everything you wrote that relationship is over. Use it as a learning experience. It is ok to hurt over it, but you need to move on. It will be painful but you have already experienced the real pain (finding him in bed and realizing how long it has been going on - and that he really does not care). You deserve more.

Hang tough - be true to yourself.

My boyfriend of 2 years left me for my so called best friend 3 months ago. I have only talk to my ex boyfriend 4 times in the last month bye his choice. How this all started I let my so called bestfriend move in our place that my boyfriend now ex and I had as a result she had nowhere to go so I was being the good friend and helping her and her son out. Well how this all started I work nice and my boyfriend now ex would stay home with our 14 month old son. I came home one night from work and found my so called best friend in bed with my boyfriend now ex and I kicked her out of my house with her son that morning. My boyfriend now ex had nothin to say but we will talk in the morning came and he didn't go to work he packed his things and said I'm done it's over I'm moving back to my moms. I found out later on that day that my boyfriend now ex and my so called bestfriend are now daing and things have being going on longer then I thought with the two of them well I've been at work. How could my boyfriend now ex say he loved me and sleep in the same bed as me well I'm at work he is messing around also how could my friend be nice to me in my house mean while she is doing my boyfriend now ex. My ex boyfriend has come over 3 times since he left only for like 5 or 10 mins and he just stands at the door he won't even say anything to his son ask how were doing or anything. All he says to me is he is so happy with her and that he doesn't wanna lose something good. My ex has just replaced our family with her and her son. The thing that makes me mad is that he can't even give his son the time of day but he can buy and stay with her son day and night. My ex and his new girl are out everynight going places spending money that he should be paying me but my ex's new girl hasn't worked in 3 years and she is backing living at home with mom and dad making now money was so ever and when her parents go up north on weekends she has my ex over where there are no parents around so they can do there thing. My ex's car died 2 weeks ago and he called me up asking me for help I helped him out calling car places for him etc.. he now has a new car thanks to me to drive her around. I love my ex's so so much I have told him that he means the world to me and he just pushies me away he says he wants to be friends but he doesn't call me anymore and doesn't stop bye. He still has alot of stuff at our house but he won't come and get it what does that mean ??? he also has all his bills and car stuff come to our address cause he hasn't changed it. I think he might come back in 6 months or more am I right ???. I ask him what he wants and he says he doesn't know right now what does that mean ???. Am I hoping for nothin is it over for good with us ???


I hope you can give me so answers

Amanda -

You made a vow to your husband. You need to stand by it.

Stop seeing the old boyfriend - nothing other than confusion can be caused by this. Put your energy and efforts into your husband.

If you love him, it is not a far step to getting back in love with him. Read and do research on this. Plan romantic times/activities together. Talk to him about this. Talk about your needs as well, and ask him to do some things for you. There are some really good relationship books out there. I happen to like Light Her Fire - there is also a Light His Fire book. There are probably many others. Check out Ebay for the ones I mentinoed.

Put your all into this - you have a great foundation. The other relationship looks good partly since you have been married for a while. It is exciting - especially after 6 years. I don't think we ever truley lose our feelings for that one special early relationship - we all have one of those. But there will always be something else that comes along - and it will be exciting and enticing. Build a strong relationship with your husband and it will create a life long bond that will never be broken (but it WILL be tested).

You have a great relationship with your husband - proven by the fact that you were able to talk with him about this. Put your efforts in the right direction, and you will be rewarded. Don't give up on your happiness - just create that happiness in the current state.

I need advice! I had my first real relationship when I was 16 and that lasted until I was 19. I was very much in love with him. I was ready to settle down as I did not want to be with anyone else but him. But he was not ready. We desided to take a "breather" from each other. During this breather I met a man that was 16 years older than me. I was 20 by this time. We dated for 5 months and he proposed. I said yes! We married 3 weeks later. It has now been 6 years since we married. I am very happy with my husband. However, I am not so sure I am in love with my husband. I find my self wanting to be with my ex. I have not spoken to my ex since before I was married, but I still feel a strong connection to him! I have thought many times of leaving my husband to be with my ex. I really think I am totaly still in love with my ex. I find my self being miserable over this! I am caught between true love(my ex) and a secure life(my husband) as my husband takes care of me and loves me so much! I feel like I am cheating my husband out of a loving wife. I have told my husband about my feelings and he said that as long as I love him in anyway he is happy with me! What should I do?

hi
i don't kno where to start. well..i met a guy that i love more than anythin. we went out for 8 months but it seem that i kno him for a long time. everythin was fine goin great the only problem we had was religion. he listens to his parents and he doesn't want to hurt them. we broke up but he was still around. sometimes it makes me think that is he around cuz of sex. cuz we did sleep 2gether even after we broke up. he tells me that he still loves me and cares for me but he doesn't wana hurt his parents. he still wants to talk to me cuz he doesn't wana fall for any1 else. what do i do? do i leave him ro stay with him and see if his parents change their mind about us? i still love him so much but sometimes he confuses me. we do get into fights and arguments and i won't call him or email him he gets all mad when i call him and he sounds all scared that somethin happened to me. i'm all confused about this plz tell me what to do

My bf of 6yrs broke-up with me last month becoz i had left for another place for a period of 3months.He believed that i will never be able to return.When i asked him repeatedly why he wanted a break-up he finally confessed that just 2days back he had proposed another girl.he cliamed that he still loved me but at the same time liked her as she had supported him when i was away.He said he had been going out with this girl when i was away.i cud'nt stand it and i broke-up with him.

After that i started missing him alot and i called him after 2weeks.The 2weeks were terrible for me.i just cud'nt belive he cud leave me for another girl.When i called him he told me he was going out with that girl as life had to go on...but there is no commitment between them.After that day we have been talkin/smsin.he wants to talk to me but not return to me.At trouble times he remembers me,he says he misses me...at the same time he likes the other girl.I don't understand him.What are his intentions.

Thanks Editor for your advice. Wow that was quick. I understand I need to disconnect him from my thoughts, but why do I think about the good times with him? Why do I listen when he says he loves me and wants to talk to me?

Should I just stop talking to him? Should I be cold when he calls? i don't believe in hurting others, even if i have been hurt by them. That is not me. A part of me will always love him and I feel I need to be there for him if and when he needs me. I truly am over the hurt, I have moved and am building a new life for myself. I see that he is not the 'man' for me. But I look on him with pity, with compassion. Please advice

Well you are welcome. We always think of GOOD TIMES or pleasant moments that we have had. Associating with those moments creates a comfort zone in our mind and we tend to repeat that or try to revive that despite no such feeling from other side.

He is a confused person and not sure of his emotions. You can not be waiting for him or play to his whims. If he truly loves you he should demonstrate to you in no subtle terms but clear and obvious ways. You feel comfort hearing those words as they remind you good times that you desire.

Disconnecting with him should not be hurting at all. Simply tell him that you do not feel any love but you wish him a good life with whatever he does.

BEING honest and sincere should not mean hurting others. We must take a decision to grow and if that entails saying the truth ONCE and for all, let it be that way. DO NOT have any pity, compassion for him. Just pray that he be happy with whatever he does and then you go on. A good bye is separation and some separations are necessary and healthy for future meetings with our destiny.

editor

Hi.
I am so glad to have finally found this website. So here is my story. Please give me your sincere advice:

I am 22 years old. I met my boyfriend when I was 18 in college. He was 21. We dated for 3 years, out of which 2 were long distance as he graduated. DUring the third year he broke up with me briefly (we hadnt seen each other for 6 months) and got back together on his next visit. At that time I found out he had been dating someone else but he apologized profusely and we got back together. In December 2004 I was going to spend Christmas with him and his family, when he called me 3 weeks before Christmas to tell me that he had met someone else and just wanted to date other people. I foolishly still went to meet him since it was a $400 non-refundable ticket and I also thought I could "win" him back. As you can guess, neither happened. NOt only did he sleep with me during the vacation, but he also made me meet his new girl everyday. He threatened to get very mad if I told her anything. So basically I had to pretend that I was just his 'friend' in public, while in private we were not! It was totally insane and I cried and cried. I just felt that I had absolutely no control over this guy. He just wouldn't listen to me.
I came back to MN in January, leaving my miserable Texas Christmas behind me. We would talk everyday, he would profess his love to me, tell me this was a temporary thing. I couldn't take it in February and I broke it off. Things got really nasty between us and we cooled off.

Spring semester I drank alot (i was graduating) and I used to drunk text message him. He told his new girl about it and two days before graduation I got an email from her asking me to leave him alone. I lost it completely and told her everything that had happened. How he was dating the both of us at the same time. He stopped talking to me....

I suddenly missed him last week (OCtober 2005) and called him. He called back and said he was wary, couldn't trust me again since i had hurt him terribly.
I finally stood firm and said I had to tell her the truth to preserve my own dignity. I don't know why I'm so in love with him. I have alot of rage for the hurt, but I know that he couldn't have changed so drastically. Is he a total selfish bastard with no hope? I'm not ready to let him go. My family hates him. I don't think I could trust him unless he went to counselling.

Btw he is still with his girlfriend and said we could talk. I asked what times were convenient and he said evenings... i was like " id on't want to call when she is around" and he was like "oh yeah, she'd get really mad".

Am i an idiot? What can I do to exorcise him from my mind. I have a lot of guilt for sleeping with him... I can't concentrate anymore. Tell me what is truly going on with him and what I should do... is complete non-c0ommunication possible?

There is only one word and that is to close the chapter.

Get OVER him and disconnect from his thoughts and memories. There are many many good people waiting for your precious love. In plain words he is not for you. Dont break your head thinking. Just look ahead.

editor

I have this situation going on with me know. I was married 13years and my husband decided to be with another lady. My marriage ended in march 2003. I have three children and my kids were very close with their dad and also his family. When this happen i had the hardest time dealing with emotions and etc. My spouse ended up living with this person and I ended up by myself with my children. After one year later, I found someone and took me awhile and finally became my roomate. I am now living with this person. Still yet my kids see their dad and his family often. Recently, I started talking to my ex-spouse again and the way these things are going, is that we are finally telling one another about our deepest feelings and I know I have been hurt so much and the person I am with now..loves me so much and I am beginning to have those feelings for my ex-spouse. I just don't know what to do or how to explain myself. My ex knows that I am with somebody else and he has drawn our children closely to him and the kids are turning their backs to my roomate now. My roomate does not know that i am in contact with my ex-spouse. I just don't know what to do...What should I do..I mean I had a life with my ex-spouse and with my roomate things aren't quitely there yet..I'm not sure if i really have feelings for my roomate. I am confused noww.. please help with your input.

I will be brief. You have a roommate not a mate or husband. Your reopening to your husband is a natural thing as one can not bury the deepseated love. It will be however a bit selfish to also give hopes to the other guy. You may have to slow down and send hints before you both are on a point from no return.

Frankly it will be important that you make sure of your feelings and relationship with both persons separately and make them clear that you are still confused. One of them may run away or both may chase. You are the one who is to make the decision before it gets too messy to clear!!

editor

I am dealing with a situation that just has me at the end of my rope. My boyfriend of five years and a son, decided not only to cheat but to run off and marry this girl 5 months ago. Now because of this my son and I have to learn how to deal with it and her, and she is wanting to go to my sons school events she comes over my house when he is dropping him off. I am trying not to break down but I am completely hurt inside. Not to mention he still calls to come over, of course thats a joke to me. Anyway I just needed to vent somewhere!

hey iam in such a confused situation i had this guy i was datin bt oz i was a player long time back so he never trusted me , nw tht we r in a break , so i want 2 make up wid him , i dnt knw hw 2 start talkin n make him trust me tht nw i am nt a player anymore n i realy do 4 him, plz help me

Dear Editor .


Thanks for correcting me.There was a bit of misunderstanding. I apologise for that.

I do endorse the same view as that of yours. Friends for ever---:Where words fail,action speaks,where action fails,eyes speak,where eyes fails,tear speak and where every thing fails a friend speaks...!

A Friend takes you far.

Dear Friend
You dont have to apologize. You are so right about friendship and its priceless value.

Wherever there is friendship and mutual compassion love will flourish and peace will prevail. We pray that all people in marriages be good friends and never hurt each other.

editor

Hi ,

Friends are important . But use your brain honey. Its only you and ONLY YOU who have to bear the pain of a broken marriage and not your friends. Friends are an integral part of our life ,but you should keep an open eye. Your wife can be your best friend ?? Can she be ?

Love Her as no body has loved her before and she will ALL BE YOURS.

Dear Annie

In effect the title of this thread is or was meant to be : Dealing with EX Spouse - Friends Forever? - that connotes that despite all disagreements the EXs once were in love and they do remain friends forver.

Nontheless your point on friendship is also very correct. On the other hand in my experience and observation ALL spouses and people in relationship must first BE friends as friendship takes the marriage far and helps build trust and a basis for communication.

editor

Divorce.
if u have friends and njoy thier company then she also has the rights to keep some and Njoy.
50/50

What to do? I have been married for 2 years, I don't know what I am doing in this relationship. It all happened so fast I guess, though we have been together for four years. I can't deal with her friends and she can't deal with mine. Her friends (in my opinion) seem to create situations where they put my wife and I on different sides, and she does not stand up for me. Most of them would fully support a divorce at any given time. My friends are all women, and my wife is intimidated by their suggestive flirtatious behaivior (but when she meets them she enjoys their company and approves their behaivior). Friends are important in a marriage, even important enough to possibly break up a marriage. Would should we do?

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