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Marriage Jokes - Marriage is not a joke but Jokes come out of marriage

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Another Blonde joke

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.... I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started".

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?".
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster".

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box and then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster". He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then"

....... he sighed and said, "Third... lets put all these Cornflakes back in the box".

A man and his wife went to the dentist.

"I need a tooth pulled out but I am in a hurry so I do not want any pain killers." said the wife.

"You are a very brave woman" said the dentist. "Which tooth is it?"

The wife turns to her husband "Open your mouth dear and show the dentist which tooth it is".

A husband comes home drunk at 3:00AM and stumbles upstairs to pass out in bed. When he wakes up the next morning there are 2 aspirin and a glass of water at the bedside, and a note "Breakfast is down stairs honey". When he goes downstairs the house has been cleaned, the Laundry is done, and there is Tea, eggs, and pancakes waiting for him in the Kitchen, where his daughter is already having breakfast. He asks his daughter "what in the world is going on with you mother"? The daughter replies, "you came home smashed drunk, broke the lamp in the front room, puked all over the hallway, and when mom tried to drag you in the bedroom you push her away and said

back off lady I'm married".

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function,but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

TELEGRAM #1
A daughter sends a telegram to her father on her clearing B.Ed
exams, which the father receives as:
"Father, your daughter has been successful in BED."
TELEGRAM #2
A husband, while he is on a business trip to a hill station sends
a telegram to his wife: "I wish you were here."
The message received by wife:
"I wish you were her."
TELEGRAM #3
A wife with near maturing pregnancy goes to railway station to
return to her husband. At the reservation counter, while her turn came,
it was the last ticket. Taking pity on a very old lady next to her in
the queue, she offered her berth to the old lady and sent a telegram to her husband which reached as:
"Shall be coming tomorrow, heavy rush in the train, gave birth to
an old lady."
TELEGRAM #4
A man wants to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party.
So he goes to order a birthday cake.
The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake.
Well he thinks for a while and says:
Let's put, "you are not getting older you are getting better".
The salesman asks, "How do you want me to put it?"
The man says, Well put "You are not getting older", at the top
and "You are getting better" at the bottom.
The real fun didn't start until the cake was opened the entire
party watched the message decorated on the cake:
"You are not getting older at the top, you are getting better at the bottom".

aik larki apne baap se kehti hai papa meri sister ki brithday hai kiya gift doon baap kehta hai romaal de do to douter kehti hain yeh to bohaat chotta hai phir papa keha hai phir app atte ki borri de do ....hihihihihihhih

In the middle of night, a wife woke her husband, "Darling, it's so cold!"
The husband jumped out of the bed, brought one more blanket from a closet and carefully tucked it around his wife's body. After a while, the wife woke him once again, "My dear, it's so hot here." The husband jumped out of bed and rushed to open a window. In a few minutes the wife woke him one more time and said, "My love, I want a man."
"But be reasonable," the husband said. "Where can I find a man in the middle of night?"


A young British attorney came to his office all in bruises and scratches. "What happened to you?' a colleague asked.
"Oh, it's some bloody story. Yestereve, I came home from the club, and what I see in my dining room! There was that frog. Just a small female frog. I took a seat at the table, when she said in perfect English, 'If you're a gentleman, shouldn't you offer me a seat at your table?' Surprised as I was, being a gentleman, I did as she asked. I took a swig of brandy, and she said, 'No brandy for me?' Well, as a gentleman, I poured brandy for her, and the bloody frog drank it in one gulp. Then I had a slice of a pudding, and she said, 'What about me?' What would you do? Of course, as a gentleman, I shared the pudding with her. Then I undressed and went to bed. The bloody frog said, 'What about me?' So, I took her into the bed. As soon as she was in the bed, she at once transformed into a young lady, and completely naked to that! At that time my wife unexpectedly walked in. I told her all the story, but she wouldn't believe me!"

Early in the morning, a man set out for a fishing trip. Before he left his wife said, "Stay home. It's raining out there, and windy."
The husband did not answer, and walked out. When he was in the street, downpour and strong wind make him shudder. He walked a couple of blocks, but then decided the weather was too bad indeed, so he turned back. He walked into his apartment, it was dark and he undressed and dove into the bed. He did it very softly without making noise to avoid her getting disturbed.
"What a dog's weather," he said, still shuddering.
"Yes," the wife said. "Such a weather, and my idiot left for a fishing trip."

On the eve of the fifteenth anniversary of their wedding, a husband and a wife are in bed. She thinks, "I wonder, does he remember that tomorrow is our anniversary? Fifteen years together! I am sure he remembers. Probably he'd already bought a gift for me. What can it be? A fur coat? Or a ring?"
The husband thinks, "If I strangulated her on the day of our wedding, tomorrow I would be already out of prison."

A few russian Jokes

"How has your latest altercation with your wife ended?" a man asked his friend.
"Oh, she had to crawl to me on her knees," the friend said proudly.
"And what did she say?"
"Get out from under the bed, you lowlife coward."

A man came home from a business trip. He went to bed with his wife. In the middle of night, some noise under the bed woke him. He extended his hand toward the floor and said. "Is it you, Lassy?"
"Yes," Lassy answered and licked the man's hand.

A man returned home deeply inebriated.
"Again, you miserable drunkard," his wife said. "Just this morning you promised that you'd stop drinking and would love me."
"Right," the husband said. "I'm really sorry. I promise to love you. I need though one drop of vodka, the last one."
The wife sighed and poured a slug of vodka into a glass. The man gulped it, and then fell silent. After a while he said, "My dear, to strengthen our love, I really need one more slug..."
In despair, the wife ran to the balcony and shouted, "My God, is there at least one real man in this building?"
From the next door apartment a voice sounded, "Why, do you have some vodka there?"


Now a real bad one:

Before leaving for work, a man said to his wife, "How many times did I say to you, don't sleep with your legs apart. One day your liver may fall out."
Next day, she apparently forgot the husband's warning. When he saw her sleeping with her legs apart, he decided to frighten her. He went to the kitchen, took a cow's liver, and laid it between his wife's legs.
When, in the evening, he came back home from work, his wife said, "You were right, darling. My liver fell out this morning."
"And was it painful?" the husband said.
"When it fell out, it was not. But when I was squeezing it back in....."

The average wife would rather have beauty than brains, because she knows that the average husband can see better than he can think.
"Are you and your wife happy?" "Oh, very happy. But let's talk about something cheerful."

We always hold hands. If I let her go, she shops.

Only Adam had no mother-in-law. That's how we know he lived in paradise.

A bloke came home to find his wife in bed with the next door neighbour. "What the hell do you think yuo're doing?" demanded the husband. The wife said to her bedmate : "There you are, I told you he was stupid."

"Give me your opinion about being a widow's second husband." "Well, it's better than being her first."

"Is your wife outspoken?" "Not by anyone I know of."

If you really want to shake up your wife, point out the fact that call girls are really the epitome of modern economic thought: Don't buy-lease!

Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise.

Troubles? How about the fellow who put sleeping pills in his coffee? The coffee wouldn't let him sleep and the sleeping pill wouldn't let him stay awake.

One who marries, for whole life wearies!

Isn't it amazing how easy it is for a man to understand a wife, when she isn't his?

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

A good wife laughs at her husband's jokes, not because they are clever, but because she is.

If your wife doesn't treat you as she should, be thankful.

Wife : "When I married you I didn't know you were a coward. I thought you were a brave man." Husband : "So did everybody else."

If those scientists are as smart as they all say, why do they count backwards?

If you give a woman an inch she'll park a car in it.

Now I know what those girls in the travel agencies mean: SEVEN DAYS IN ITALY MAKE ONE WEAK!

"Honey, what kind of pictures have you been taking that you have to develop them in the dark?"

Everyone should marry. Else, how can one enjoy an affair?

My wife wanted to see the world, so I bought her an atlas.

Men got 3000 words for a day and women 5000. When a men returns home after a long day he is over with his 3000 words but she still gets 2000

When a man declares : :I am sure of my wife," it means he is sure of his wife. But when a woman declares : "I am sure of my husband," it means she is sure of herself.

What is the penalty for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law!

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