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Abused Men's Club : Burying the Pride

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• Archive through June 23, 2003 [19] 6/23 07:08pm

Join the most exciting new community on Family issues. You will like it. idealFamily.Com - Discuss family issues Life styles household, housekeeping and secrets to family life

IdealFamily.com is a clean community for all moms, dads and members of family who want to live a loving, fulfilling life. Please join it free and share your love. Win new friends and receive plenty of blessings and love.

I really screwed up!! I married a russian mail order bride, and i was married 6 years. i am in the process of a divorce, and than i was stupid enough to adopt her son. now i am paying severely. She was abusive, violent, and tried numerous times to frame me for domestic violence. This has got to be the most edvil woman on earth. i would like to hear from somebody on this matter. there is so much more but i can't list it all.

Run as fast as you can.

Get back yourself and your liberty. When all setup again, never chase these beautiful but cold hearted Russian beauties that are all over the net sending bulk letters to allure love starved men with solvency.

editor

Hi Everyone

This place is interesting, Finally there is a place where we can discuss problems about Loveless marriages

I think one has to be a good human being.
Most importantly now a days marriages are not working and issues/problems are being ignored and dragging the marriages for the sake of culture, and for the sake of childrens only.
Loveless.
It is so unfortunate that we are not respect our culture and Religion.

My research about the current situation where divorce rate is high because of the following reasons

1. Competetion in maintaining the standard of life
2. Bad Parenting ( where parents ignored their children teaching about values and unfortunately we are doing the same(ill mannered) )
3. Because of the communication TV Internet,etc.,
we are exposed to the west.
MOST IMPORTANT POINT IS: we are born in east and watching west from the halfway ( I mean only watching what western adults are doing and their ideas thinking and everything they do WE EMBRACE.

But if you are in west and try to evaluate the people who born here their broughtup is totally different, their programming is totally different.
they know the realities of life. morally they are very poor, they dont respect and noone respect them too.
they dont llok after their parents, and they dont expect.
they assume they are in competetion with their partners,
they argue with their patners,
they dont love, they just pretend.
How long one can pretend.

we try to follow them and join them halfway and treat our partners like them,
when we are struggling to maintain our families in this competetive Era.
we cannot be like them GOD Sake we cannot.
Let be ourselves
the ways our culture teaches the way our religion
Stop right here and let forgive each other and give our best to each other.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."


Our problem is we are more FILMI.
We are emotional.
we have a very strong culture and values
we are the best we can be the best only if we behave normal.

Let enjoy the life, lets be normal human beings.
we are all humans we are tend to do mistakes.
A relationship based on love needs to forgive our partners


Its all about wisdom. please feel free to add comments. I am working to keep my marriage, pray for me. i hope this can help atleast one couple.
comments: eeehello@yahoo.com
Thank you

Hello Married but still single

Well i am in similar situtation but if you hear mine you will feel happy that you have a better wife. My wife does not want me to even talk to my parents and if i want a relation then serve only his family and parents. how about this bitch? i tried so hard to convience her, i am not even living my parents. I said i jst want to help my parents when they need help and you and me make the family. But all she wants is her family and i should not even help my parents when they need. So i gave up and left her. Parents are next best thing to God. And i respect her parents, but she only wants one side that does not work. So you are lucky that your wife wants you and her alone.

hi Anonymous,
when man say leave him alone, that not really mean that go away or get of of his sight, he try to get out of that situation and u r troubling him, do not leave him like that, or do not talk to him, just observe what he is doing,try to findout whats his problem.sometimes EGO stops us to admit, we made a mistake, ask him to forgive what u have done/said which made him upset, leave him but be with him there, and figurout whats wrong.and u will find the solution.actually man dosn`t yell/shout/scream like women LEAVE ME ALONE.

I really wish there was something I could do to make my husband feel better when he's in his bad moods. You say just leave him alone but that is so hard to do because I want to reach out to him and make him smile again. When he responds with coldness and leave me alone comments it breaks my heart which I then unintentionally express as anger and I end up stressing him out anyway. Go figure. Are you sure that the reason men say leave them alone is what they really need and not because they feel like they should be strong enough to handle it on their own because they're men. (Which, by the way, the fact that strength is gained by stuffing it all inside and pretending that you don't need a little love and tenderness every now and then is a myth) We're not trying to hender you, its just in our nature to feel like we should be there in that way for our man the same as we would like them to be there for us. Saying leave me alone just don't feel like the right thing to do. Spouses are supposed to be there for each other.Isn't there something we wives can do that would cheer him up besides leaving him alone. (no dirty thoughts intended her,lol)

Brainless Heart - (love the moniker)

I had (have) the same problem with my wife as your husband has with you. When I would be in down mood, for any reason - tired, stressed, sick, worried, depressed, or just in a general pissed off mood for no reason - she would always start a fight with me. Extreme example: last year I was really sick with an unexplained rash over most of my body. The rash got infected and I needed to go to the hospital. Rather than take me, she wanted to 'discuss our issues'. I was in extreme pain and delirious, but cognitive enough to be absolutely amazed that she considered this the appropriate time to 'discuss our issues'. She would not get out of my face and I had to leave the house, and spend the night in my car. Upon returning in the morning, she picked-up right where she left off. I could barely make out what she was saying because the pain was overwhelming. I finally got a friend of mine to take me to the hospital. Feeling somewhat better - doped-up - I got home and she started up again. I was able to respond and focus her attention on just how despicable her behavior was. It took awhile. At first she felt perfectly justified in what she did. I actually had to point out to her my condition, and mental state - look up the meaning of delirium. She could not justify her behavior. I also pointed out that the abuser is not the one that leaves in the middle of the night seeking safety.

More typically: I would be tired and sore from some physical labor under less than pleasant conditions. I'd get home, but I wouldn't be all bouncy and happy for some reason. She would take offense and keep asking me why I was mad at HER. I'd answer that I wasn't, that I was tired and sore. She wouldn't believe me, and would keep wanting to know what she had done. Guess what? Now I was mad at her! We'd get into a rather juvenile fight - name calling, accusations, 'you don't love me', crying, etc. Why? For what?

I've finally managed to get her to understand that everything does not involve, or be a reaction to HER. There are plenty of things that effect my demeanor that have absolutely nothing to do with her. That when I'm feeling down, for whatever reason, I may not feel like talking about it. It doesn't mean that I'm angry with her, or that I don't care about her. When I'm feeling better, I may talk about whatever made me feel bad, or I may not. Who cares? It's over, and it had nothing to do with her.

What's the best way she can help me when I'm in one of these moods (which isn't very frequent)? She can leave me alone. Don't try to find out what's bothering me, don't try to discuss any 'issues', don't try to cheer me up, and don't be all happy and gay. Just leave me alone and I'll get over it. And when I do, I'll have a lot more love and admiration for her because she did not take a bad situation and make it worse. If there are issues that need discussing, wait, until a time when I'm neither down or up. And do so straightforwardly, and honestly. And whatever you do, don't start the discussion with an accusation.

It sounds like your situation is a bit more stressed than mine. I know that this is not the whole solution, (it wasn't in my case), but it did open the way for better communication. I hope it helps. Good luck.

Hi,
If this is a chat for men, then maybe you can fix me, a woman who has caused trouble..
I'm not sure who to turn to for advise, as I usually keep things to myself and not share any of my problems with anyone except my husband, but I think I have ruined everything now. But I am posting this message hoping that you could provide any bit of insight on how I can reverse what I have done.

I have been married for not even 2 months now, but have been very close to my now husband for over 3 years. We have always had the same problem, for which we are both partly to blame. He gets very troubled and stressed about work, and trying to reach his goal of having a successful business so that he can be financially independent, so that he can freely take care of his family with no worry of where the pay check will come from. I fully support his goals. The only issue I have is when he gets stressed. When his mind is full of worries and stress, he won't talk to anyone, he won't let me be there for him to console him, by giving him a hug, holding his hand, etc. I thought it would help if I were to try and cheer him up, by trying to help and give him advice, trying to take his mind off of things, but it seems as though the only help I can be is if I stay out of his business and let him deal with it. It sounds very simple, but I have a problem with it. My mind tells me that I know that I am more of a help if I stay away, but when I make the mistake of asking what is wrong, and he either ignores me or answers 'nothing' in a snappy mood, I automatically take it personally and get very upset thinking that he does not want to be with me and does not care if I am there or not. If it was me, I feel better that I have a life partner who is willing to help me and soothe my stresses, while it doesn't phase him at all. I understand now that not everyone sees things or feels things as I do, so I should respect that. To try and make a long story short..
He gets stressed for whatever reason. I misinterpret his stress, thinking he is angry and not satisfied with me. I ask many questions trying to figure out what I did wrong, which makes him more angry and withdrawn, as it adds to his stress, and I take it all the wrong way and get very upset b/c he won't answer my questions or concerns. This builds up into an argument, where he is left even more stressed than before, and I am left more hurt and sad thinking that I can't help him in anyway. He has also told me that, that I can't help, if I can, he will ask me, but other than that, to not interfere. I don't understand why I don't realize to stay clear when he gets upset, maybe it's b/c one moment he is happy, the next he is miserable, and I don't know what happened. But I have feelings too, and I told him that it really hurts me to see him like that, and that I keep asking questions, even though I know I shouldn't, b/c he's my partner, nevermind husband or girlfriend anymore, I really love and care for him, and want to help make things better. But when he answers that the best way to help him is to stay out, it hurts, and when he ignores me or won't talk when he's stressed, it really bothers me, and I have tried to talk to him about it, I have cried and cried, and he hates it when I cry, and I have said sorry for making it worse, b/c for one reason or another I just interfere, and it gets me in trouble, and I have said sorry, but he doesn't take my sorries seriously anymore, he says that I don't mean it. I made a mistake the other day, when I asked why he didn't clean up after dinner when he knew that I have a lot of work to do. He was just watching movies, he got very angry and left. I was nagging him, true, but why do I do that if all I want is peace and harmony and a loving healthy relationship? I am so lucky, he cooks, cleans after himself, even does laundry! But the problem is me, when he gets in these moods, I go into nag syndrome, maybe b/c inside I am angry that he is shutting me out like that, and I ask him stupid questions without understanding. I was grateful for a 2nd chance, when it finally clicked into my brain that I wasn't the reason behind his stressful moods, and that I truly can't help with the next business deal, or guarantee that I can look after his family. And I thanked God for giving me the insight so that I can start again knowing better how to deal with him. But, I for a stupid reason, I ruined it again. I really don't like it when he gets stressed and takes things out on me by ignoring me or pulling back from hugs and comfort, which he did again, and it makes me so sad. That is what resulted in our last argument. And now, he says that he is so frustrated, and that he can't believe me when I say sorry.
I'm not sure if I am rambling on and on. The problem is me, I have made mistakes, nothing to big extents, but, our relationship is not fun loving as it used to be, and it's my fault. I wish I could go back in time so that i could have learned better or not had to say sorry so many times, b/c now he won't accept them. I have become a monster. He won't talk about this issue with me anymore, he says that it's no use b/c I don't listen. After I told him that it really hurts me, he won't answer or give any comment to that, he just stays quiet. And when I cry b/c it hurts me, he won't try to make it better, it's a headache for him and he leaves the room b/c he says crying won't do anygood. Which is very true. I wish I could be like him, but am not, I get lost in my emotions. I sometimes wish we had never met, he would have been much much better without me, and I want to make it better, but I have left him no choice but for him to lose all faith in me forever. I have thought of running away, but I can't, b/c that would bring our extended families into the matter, and I don't want to worry anyone about this. Perhaps we could live in the same house, but lead separate lives, that is, I won't interfere with his problems, and I won't burden him with mine. thanks for letting me vent my sadness.
regards,
brainless heart

To the Editor,
I was wondering if you guys have any suggestion. I request the Editor to respond. I am from India and I am an international software consultant( you would notice a fair number of abused guys are from India..the reason is that the Indian girls are getting more quickly disillusioned with marriages more than the guys) presently contemplating going freelance.
The problem - is my wife. She is very very sweet, principled to a fault but cant tolerate the sight of my parents ( who are totally dependent on me).
Now my dad put all his savings into buying a house for me while he infact lives with me in another city. So it is a joint family with me, the missus, the kids and the parents. Lovely setting? No, the usual stuff.. my wife cant ever say a good thing about my parents and that pisses me off with a capital P.
Eg..,yesterday i called her up ( she has gone to her mom's house.. her mom is a foul mouthed woman who makes gangsta rap look like the Bible) and told her it was time for the annual pilgrimage to our ancestral temple. "No, lets go - just u and me and the kids. Not your Mom..". The point is I cant travel with my kids on a train or bus - cant control them ( my son is now with me and the daughter has gone with my wife to her mom's place) ...and so i told her that atleast for that sake, my mom would have to accompany to her mom's place and we could then go the temple from her place. But No.. its either me with her and the kids (she says that alone is her family and not Ugh! my parents)...Ultimately i spend a huge amount on the inter-state calls having an ugly spat.. I told her that when her parents could come over to my house and seat their fat ass, my mom could go there very well and if that was not on, I did not want her shrew of a mom ever stepping inside my house.
This is torturing me. I am now on the verge of taking a new job since i was not able to manage these family pressures well in my old job... and she keeps going nag, nag, nag all along about my parents. She is otherwise an angel but this one topic is keeping us apart. And i am majorly principled. I wouldnt ever ditch my parents. Shit man, my parents borught me up and my own kids could me treat that way tomorrow...especially the way society is getting fractured and selfish.
A question to all you Indian girls out there and of course, some guidance needed from the editor there:
Why is that girls of today have become much more demanding, selfish ( not wanting to share their husbands with his mom and dad). AFter all, it is my mom and dad who put me in this world. You dont want my mom and dad, you are indirectly disrespecting me,, since their attitudes, bad habits and good habits are genetically ingrained in me...
Makes me wonder why i ever married...
Why dont girls realize that behind every unsuccessful man, there is probably a bitch that was nagging him on some topic day in, day out. Thats why i titled this mail ' married and still single'. We may be physically one but in terms of emotional unity, we are not there yet atleast on mom-dad topics.

Hello Married but still single

Parents are to be respected surely.
However women always prefer [some dont] to have a HOME without in laws or other parties etc.

We all have choices and decisions to make to turn around our lives. You need to communicate to her and ask her what will she do if she was in your place?

Respect is a two way street. If you respect her parents she should respect yours.

You can find solutions whereby you can make a good decision and make a good balance. You can never make everyone happy always. You have to make decisions else expect more and more suffering. Whatever is going on will continue and will only worsen unless you take a decision.

Frankly we can never change other people however we can change ourselves. Find out a way that your parents have their own lives as they can have some freedom and you can live with your wife. Keep in mind that we can never make all people happy always. You have to be balanced and see what is the best way out.

It is entirely your own decision as it is your own life. Hope you find an optimum solution soon.

Editor

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