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Thank you for your advice, I will try to do that. The other day I said something about when he comes over that it has nothing to do with me and he is just coming to see the kids. Well he didn't say anything so I asked him if that was it and he said that it does have to do with you. Well on Easter he came by and I didn't have the kids that were at my brother-in-laws and he brought me 4 tulips, he had a couple shirts that were there and he also picked those up. This is stuff that he could have done when he brought the kids back to me, but he didn't. So basically you are telling me not to argue, ok, so when he brings up the issue what do I do? Anytime someone asks why he is doing it he says I'm just tired of being unhappy and I'm tired of all the arguing. We argue because he never wants to do anything with me or as a family it is always what he wants to do with his friends or hunting. I just feel that he is ashamed of being married or of me.Our anniversary is next week sould I get him something or not?

This message is for L.Carrie,
In response to your post on September 2004, what ever happened? I was just wondering because me and my husband are going through that right now. We have been married for 7 years on the 27th of Apr. and he left about 2 1/2 weeks go. I'm so confused. We have 2 chldren together and he says that he is unhappy and wants a divorce, but yet he still tells me that he loves me when ever he leaves from seeing the kids and when he gets there to see the kids and when ever he gets off the phone. Anyone can ask him why he is doing this and he will say it's not because I hate her and it's not because I don't love her because I love her to death. So they when then say well why and his response to it is because I'm unhappy and we argue. Please if there is anyone out there that can help me understand and any advice will be appreciated.

Try for 2/3 weeks not arguing and accepting what he says. You will be able to subside most of the conflicts.

Just see love and lovely attributes in him for these weeks and you will attract him to see yours.

editor

Well, I really don't know where to start. I guess at the beginning. My husband and I started dating back in 2000. He was my best friend's and co-worker's older brother. He had recently broken off of a relationship as had I. We truly found comfort in eachother and started dating. My best friend at the time who was his sister was very against that and made things very difficult for us. He moved out of the house they shared after their mother had passed away to am apartment closer to me and his job. Well, I became pregnant and we decided that getting married was the next step. He was such a sweetheart about it all. He said that if we were going to do it we were going to do it right and proposed on my birthday.....4 days later we were married. Of course we had alot of problems living in a 1 bedroom apartment with no room for ourselves. Soon enough our son was born and we bought a house in the suburbs. Things were falling into place. We had the house, the new car-that he had given to me on my birthday- the dog....looking at us we seemed so perfect. We argued alot though. I was fed up with his schedule....work 8-5 (sometimes later) then the gym at 9-11pm. I worked too from 8-4 and I felt I was always doing everything at home. Well, he decided to quit his job that he had been at for 8 years and do the samething at a different location with a different company. I of course supported him completely. The 1 problem was that his hours were different. Now they were 10-8 (somethimes later), mine were still 8-4. It gave me enough time to pick up our son, come home make dinner and make sure everything was cleaned up. He would come home eat, watch tv and then he was off to the gym at 9. I got him for an hour a day. Sometimes by the time he got home I was in bed, although I did try to wait up. We had tried some counseling but it was so expensive and ineffective that we had quit it. Everything seemed alright, not great but ok when he approached me 4 weeks ago tomorrow and said he we had to talk. I had wanted to talk to him becasue I had suspicions that I was pregnant so when he sat on the couch I curled up next to him. He said that he wanted to be seperated. My mouth dropped, my heart pounded and I think I blacked out b/c I vaguely remember the rest. He did want me to move in with my mother and take our son who is now 3 with me. I refused.....I would not leave our home when he wanted the seperation. He went to the gym that night and packed up some things and left. He moved in with his sister (the one that honestly does not like me anymore). I stayed home. Things have now been very difficult.....I had to quit my job due to many issues there. Our son does nothing but cry for his daddy. He waits at the window for him, and now has nightmares, seperation anxiety and behavioral issues he never had. I am hurt, confused and angry. I spent the first week so angry that when he came to get his things I didn't talk to him. He would say "I love you" and leave. Then when he came by one Friday to pick up our son for the day-his day off- we talked while our son napped. I cried and he said that he wasn't happy. He had to leave. He had left hoping that he would miss me so much he would realize that he needed to be home. He was waiting for a feeling to fall out of the sky. He kept saying that he couldn't come home. He was sleeping on his sister's floor but he wouldn't come home. He said he loved me but that he wasn't happy. He left. He went on vacation one week. It's the vacation we usually take once a year to the mountains, he went with his sister her boyfriend and daughter. He came by and picked up our german shepherd and said good-bye. He said that he did miss us. He was gone for a week, and actually came back a couple days earlier than he had expected. I had spent the week caring for our son who had gotten 'hand, mouth foot syndrome" He was so sick with a fever of 103.9. My husband called once, then when he was on his way back. I had such high hopes that he would be coming home for good. That he had realized that he missed us, missed me. I even made dinner so he could eat when he came by to drop the dog. He wasn't here long. I asked him what he had come up with ...if he missed me yet and he said he did, but it wasn't what he expected. He didn't want to come home, and he didn't want to hurt us. He had brought our son some gifts and me a t-shirt. He wouldn't talk to my face and I couldn't take it. What couldn't he tell me?! I called him Saturday morning and told him I couldn't take it anymore, that since he was just playing a game with us (I was angry) that I would say what he couldn't....it was over. He agreed. Then I told him what I wanted to tell him weeks ago....that I was pregnant. All he said was..."WHAT??!!" We ended the conversation angrily. All I could do was cry. I had lost my husband of 4 years to who knows who or what. He wouldn't speak to me b/c he needed to get advice...from his sister. He called me Saturday night...really late at about 12:30. It was a pleasant conversation he wanted to pick up our son the next day and spend some time with him. We talked for a little while and I asked him to come over...he hesitated a second then said that if it was going to be pleasant and nice then ok, he would. I washed my face since I had been crying earlier and waited for him. He came in and we talked for a while, actually we talked until 3 am. He said that things weren't right, they didn't feel right. He said he loved me but that he didn't think that that was enough. He said that that morning he had been ready to divorce me, but he didn't know. I asked him if that was was he wanted.....for good. He said no but that that was a solution. A new beginning. He feels it would be better in the longrun for all of us. He didn't want to come home and then leave again. He didn't know if he wanted to try again. He felt dead inside....drained. I kept telling him that we had things to work on and that we needed to talk about those things but he wouldn't. I told him that maybe he shouldn't come home because he wasn't ready. That we should get together every now and then..talk, go out spend time together alone...like we were dating. That way we could work on ourselves apart then with eachother. He said he didn't know....he just didn't know. I told him to think about it. He also told me something that I thought about all night......I said "I was your girlfriend once I can be it again"... ( we had so much fun back then, then we stopped spending time together) He said in such a sincere way that "maybe I miss my grilfriend" He left later on and I was left alone to think. He was right, about the grilfriend thing. After we got married I wanted to be the perfect wife. I cooked, cleaned, took care of the baby...I wanted everything to be perfect when he came home. I didn't work until our son was 18 months old so I had the time. I became overwhelmed. After our son was born I went on the deprovera and went from a size 6 to a size 13. I became depressed. I spent less time on myself. I would wear big jeans and a t-shirt everywhere. I wasn't the woman he married, I became someone else. The next day he came over and picked up our son. When he dropped him off later I asked him if he was ok, if he had thought. He said that "we'll just take it like this, you're not angry or complaining, you're just.....you" I hugged him....he said "we'll take it day by day, play it by ear....real slow" He hugged me back and left after he kissed me. I try not to call him unless necessary. On Monday I went to a labor day party. Since I had to dress so nicely I went through some clothes. I couldn't fit into my size 13 jeans, not my size 11, or even my size 10's were loose. I had lost so much weight these past 3 weeks that I was wearing a size 9 and all my older nice shirts fit so nicely. I really shouldn't be losing weight, I should actually be real careful because i miscarried last year but I eat an it won't stay down and I don't have much of an appetite. The doctor said that under the stress it was normal though. My son and I had a nice time at the party and when we left I packed up a dish of food with ribs, steaks, burgers, saussages and salads. I thought to myself that my husbadn had said theat he had to work that day so I figured I'd take my chance and bring him some food. When I arrived he was there working hard. Our son had fallen asleep in the back so I didn't want to be long, I also didn't want to keep my husband long. He was happy to see me, and even happier about the food. His friend who was there asked me when we were out of site if I was ok and I said no, becasue I really wasn't. He said "give him some space...you'll see everything will work out" I took that to heart. I really want this to work out. I wondered if his friend knew something I didn't. Afterwards we made small talk but nothing much. I was as pleasant as I could be but I just wanted to grab him and hold him. I didn't do it though, I don't want to be controlling, I don't say come home or I miss you anymore and I am even afriad to say I love you. I don't want to be controlling, I want him to want to come home, not because I ask him everytime I see him. Last night he called to remind me to do something and mentioned that instead of sleeping on the floor of his sister's house that she had moved everthing upstairs to the attic and he now had his own room with a bed, tv, phone, dresser. My heart sank because I felt him so far away. Now he's more comfortable, living the bachelor life I suppose. Not missing his family....away. I don't know what to do, I know he still loves me. I have no friends to turn to because noone I know has ever been through any of this. My parents are very happily married and very close to me. I know that just becasue you are seperated doesn't mean it's the end. I have only heard of 1 couple who were seperated for 6 months and he had an affair. Now they are still happily married and have a baby on the way. I don't know what to think...if it's another woman or not. I don't think so, but who knows....Any advice? Thanks

Sue,

Yours is truly a message of hope and of feeling good. I'll pray that things work out for both of you. It was very very large hearted and sensible of you to have done what you did.

I really did something really stupid with my marriage, I cheated for the first time after being married to a wonderful woman for nearly three years. I wish I hadn't. It was impulsive and idiotic. And in retrospect, it doesn't seem worth it at all to have put my relationship in jeopardy for one night of apparent pleasure.

It's been only a few days since this incident happened. I don't know if I will ever tell my wife, I don't know what will happen with our marriage. I really know nothing at this point.

I just hope things work out.

My husband and I had recently been seperated. We have 3 small children ages 1,2 and 5. Our oldest took this the hardest. I am the one that asked him to leave. I couldn't live the way we were anymore. His Job became more important than our family. He worked from 11am-3 or 4am. We stopped talking and started fighting when ever we were around each other. I was doing everything I could to save this marriage. I tried to talk to him but they always seemed to turn into screaming matches.Then for the first time he shoved me into the wall in front of the kids. That is when I told him to leave. He was gone for 2 1/2 week. I started looking for a new place to live, and looking for an aty that I could afford. I guess reality finally hit him the other day he called and begged to come home and give him a chance that he would work on this if I was willing. At first I said no, there was nothing else we had to talk about, He had promised this before and failed. For the last six months I have worked a full time job (for years actually) but for the lst 6 months I did it all.Worked, picked the kids up from daycare, took them to daycare, got them ready in the morning came home did all the housework by my self, cooked, played with the chilren, bathed them and put them to bed ect ect ect. He did nothing but go to work, come home sleep till it was time to shower and get back to work. I never had time for myself. To make it worse he worked in a bar if that explaines the hours. He wasn't making enought to help pay the bills and yet I am the one dealing with the creditors now we are behind on virtually everything! He finally convinced me to hear him out. So Sunday we got together and talked for 4 hours, We have not had such a good talk in almost a year now! We got everything out in the open finally. Before I agreed to hear him out, I asked him to write a list of 5 things he wants me to do and I will do the same for him. We went over the lists and we both agreed on everything, they were very reasonable. I finally agreed to take him back on one condition, he can come home after he calls and schedules an appointment and keeps the appoint with a counsler. He also agreed to start taking at least 2 days off a week, start putting his 50/50 back in this marriage, and the family and help out and to give him a month to search for a new career because it was obviouse he almost threw this family away for a stupid bar. He was very sincere and I truely believe he will definatly change back to the man I fell in love with and married. He has since then already put in ad in the paper to hire more help in the bar, he has gotten 2 days off this week and sheduled the appoint for a counler to meet with this week. The counsler will be to help him with his temper,/depression/anger control situation.I really hope I am not making a mistake by taking him back. Unfortunately, my mother seems to think so. I truely believe she was planning a party for when the divorce is final! That hurts. Shouldn't it be our decision and not hers? Unfortunately she is the best at medling!
Any thoughts are appreciated. This is hopefully turning into a success story.
Sorry this was so long.

My story is crazy,I don't know if I was a fool or
thought Nice things happen to nice guys.
Pls advise to HAWK19M@hotmail.com
Thanks.
Hazel was a good friend since May 1996,where she was going around with a boy called Valey.They had a lot of differences between them, Her parents did not like him & they split. Hazel had a habit of sucidal tendencies of taking sleeping tablets /drugs/cutting hands etc.
during her affair with valey, her parents & relatives collected one day at her place & confronted her about him & asked her to stay away from him, they even slapped her & told her to die.
To escape this she got a transfer to Ahdedabad. I still communicated with her through the company E-mail frequently. According to her I was the only link she had there.
Soon her relationship with valey broke off. She kept saying no one would marry her etc . Even her own people are not there for her.
I tried to be there always, I asked her if we could go out, feeling that the person was a homily person & likes kids, & if things worked we could go ahead with marriage in due time else we could still be good friends, which she agreed. Hazel returned to Bombay & got a job back at Blue dart express.
Thereafter I used to be with her every day talking on phone or meeting her, trying to get her out of her depression.
I used to wait for her for 2 hours, drop her at her place, after she has a bath she would come out for a drive to joggers park/carter road, then I would talk to her for hours, leave her home & go back to my place & then return to work, as I work at nights.
Even if one day I could not meet her, she would act very stubborn like a small child & franitically call up at my place on phone insisting to go out & talk. At times she used to shout, raise her hands on me, slap & scratch me & pull my hair when annoyed at something. And then apoligise. I never once raised my hand although I could.
Such was her possessiveness that she used to hardly spend time with her Mom & brother at home, her dad was in the Gulf at that time.She used to say things that were wrong with her & no one liked her etc.
Everytime I wanted to leave her home on time she insisted on wanting to stay longer, In case I did not listen She would refuse to go home & walk the other direction. Initially I used to think that it was her love for me that was doing all this.In case I refused to listen she would walk away & not talk for days, threten to do all things to herself & try for sympathy from me.Hazel was a very possessive person who could not tolerate me talking to anyone else, even a movie could cause her to suspect me, blame me & then realise her stupidity & apoligize, I was faithful & there was fault that could be found, still she always felt I’d leave her for someone else. Which I never understood why.
I used to buy her small presents not expensive, like table pieces, write letters, cards. I used to get a lot of letters & cards too. I have a very big collection of the same at home.
Every letter was speaking of how much she loved me & how her own people never cared & how only I was understanding.
every month on the 1st we celebrate our monthly aniversary by cutting a small piece of cake & blowing a candle, this is since we started together on 1st of may 1997, till date we have never missed an occasion apart from 2 times once when she was working late & once when she was behaving sturborn & wanted to go home late which I refused the previous day.
I took very good care of her all that time, spoke to her, exchanged stories, planned for the future. I explained to her that I was not well off, she supported me that she understands & used words that she does not want anything but my support. I felt like a king.
In November 1997 my father expired, the entire responsibility of the house was on my shoulders more. I encouraged hazel to do correspondence Mcom, & supoported her daily until she succeed, she used to tell me that it was thanks to me that shes back on track, I felt happy I could do something for someone.
My sister had yet to get married, but she was not interested, & my mom was depressed. I used to try to make everyone happy & I got them out of it in a year.
Hazels father returned home in Sept 1998 after he lost his job & he decided he was too old to work.


We decided to get married in 1999. Initially she wanted me to sponsor everything, which I said I could not. That started it all. Then her folks came over to talk. They insisted that hazel continues to work as they need all her earnings, as her 20 yr old brother does not wan to work. Hes always with his gang on the road eveteasing & playing.If anyone tell her son to work her mom would flare up & create a scene.The same happened that day too. They also at times hinted that I get my own accomodation , which I said I cannot afford & have to stay in my dads house to look after my old mother
I told them I started working parttime when I was 16 yrs old and all boys have to manage. They said he will soon. But they insisted on she allows to give her entire salary to them ,we said OK.
After marriage withen 4 days hazel begaan missing her mom, thats when I realised something was wrong.
Her mother wanted her to call up at her place at a particular time & tell her the entire days story what happened. I never objected. Every 5th day she wanted to spend a night at her folks place I never objected, Sometimes suddenly her mom would call her home at late evening quoting illness, which used to disappear after she went home.
I realised that hazel was a very pampered child, her mother used to give her everything in bed including her toothbrush, Food was provided, Clothes were washed & her feet were pressed too, it was very comfortable there.
In our place although we never asked her to do any house work, she would cook a meal on Sundays the rest of the time my mom used to work along with my sister in washing clothes, sweeping the floor & cleaning things etc, thinking she was new & would get used to it in due course.
my mother treated her more like a daughter than an inlaw,every mrning she would take my mothers blessings before going to work , my mom would stay at the window waving bye till she went & wait till she came back the next day.
Contary to this her mom never used to talk to me nicely, it was as if I was an enemy that took her daughter away.
when ever hazel is not around I use to get insulted. At that time although hazel & I had decided whatever happens between us we would discuss ourselves as we can solve it. So I never mentioned the numerous insults I faced.
Apart from a small argument at our place ,common everywhere, there was no occasion of trouble that too couple of hours later things were normal, I really felt I had the worlds happiest home.
But the frequency of visits overnight at her place & the duration of phone calls increased, soon hazel stopped calling from home & called from her office & outside to her mom.
I used to trust her & never thought shed be talking intricate matter of us to her mom.
One day after 2 months she went out with my mother to carter road & they ate at a snack joint, in the confusion that day hazel forgot to call her mother at 5 pm & it was 8 pm when she called. The response she got was that she was now forgetting her mother, just because she called up 3 hrs late & went out with another person. That night hazel cried & told me she does not know what to do If she goes home we’ll be disapointed, if she does not her mom will blame her.
I told her we’ll understand you go there & in fact I personally dropped her at her moms place.
After that day things got worse. When she returned she used to demand outside food, ice creams, visits to restraunts which I could not afford all the time, I was taunted for that. She started eating outside & refused or ate very little at home with us. She used to leave the table before others finish their food. Since I used to go for night duties She used to sleep with the rest of the family thereafter she wanted to sleep alone, she used to complain of hearing ghosts & sounds, something I never heard in 28 years.And if she was asked to sleep with the rest the escuse was that she could not sleep. Soon she started taking sleeping tablets quietly, this we realised when my folks told me that she used to close & lock the door for 30 minutes after I left for work, even when I used to return from duty in the morning hazel had this drugged & dazed look. She had this habit of taking drugs earlier but she promised me that shed not & would read a book instead, I believed her.


One day she goes to her house & has an overdose of drugs & is admitted in the hospital. And guess what happens Her mom starts blaming us that we harrass her, we treat her badly, But why blame us. Thats when her mother told me she tells everything that happens at our place home. I asked hazel later which she denies, but her mother says yes.
Hazel has a habit of telling small white lies just to get a little sympathy, This she used to do not realising one day she’ll be called a liar .Her friends had mentioned her character to me but I thought they were jealous.
After going home her folks demanded that I hand over her clothes, I asked her too she said yes.I took all her clothes & bags back home like a coolie. Then they demanded all the jewerelly, she agreed too. That shocked me What was money, love was supposed to be more valuable.
I returned the gold too, including the mangalsutra I had brought for her.She started telling people at her place that we harrassed her.& That there was no privacy.
Infact everytime I went out I took only hazel with me not the rest, when we were together we were alone in our room,thats maximum privicy. But closing the doors & taking drugs when alone is wrong. We gave her a own cupboard later I discovered empty packets of tablets was there. If I did not allow this privacy this would have been discovered earlier.
We took so much care of her ,yet we were blamed.If god is above he must be crying.
The biggest disapointment to me was one day hazel told me she was pregnant on the 10th of may, I was so happy, she was too. She wanted to inform her folks I told hertell them later, But she insisted after she spoke to them she was disapointed, & told me even if others are not happy as long as we are who cares.I was very happy.
But again when she came home the next day things were different she said she did not want the child, how much I pleaded, begged, But I know shed do as her mother wanted & she killed my child, Gods gift to the world. I told her couples beg to have children & here you dont want your own sweat & blood. How I felt I know.
I realised Hazel was a homily person what I wanted but I never knew that she would be mammas little daughter too, listening to whatever momma said & do whatever momma wanted her to do.Momma wanted a report on what happened in our four walls everyday. Soon I realised that everytime I talk to hazel, even the most private moment would be known to her mother. She wanted the comforts & pampering of her home where everything was taken care off & people could serve her always.This one cannot know until I take her away after marriage which I realised.
soon she prefered that life & decided to go. 5 days ago she called me up nearly 12 times franitically at work & home to talk to me, As she used to do before, when I got a chance to talk she told me she was missing her folks I told her she needs to grow up & be an adult.Hazel started apoligising a lot of behalf of her mom & family for treating me badly & asked me not to go and leave her. I agreed that this was not needed. Only she should not tell stories about the house outside & stop telling these many lies.She agreed.She said she’ll come home soon.
The next two days she called up as normal. Thereafter things changed, suddenly she stoped calling up, when I called either she was sleeping or busy, & if I spoke to her she said she was busy & said shed call back but the call never arrived.
Today I feel like a fool, If love was so strong where is it now. All those vows in church, in front of God, faithfulness to the husband who today lives like a bachalor , And the poor mother in law that today still cannot understand why hazel told these lies.
Even her own parents need to tell her. Her father is understanding. Her brother needs to work & help their house.Her mother should allow her to live her family life.
Its not fair I was with her through all the ups & downs of 3 years supporting her always, there was so much love or was it pretence. Today you leave me for the comforts of home & spoil our name. Why.
This is a problem of immaturatity when the person will mature god knows, but every day this marriage in front of god is made to look like a sham. I use to be proud of my self & my family & wife, show off to the world that If I be good, good things will happen. Today what face do I tell them.


If hazel wants to remain in her house & does not want anything to do with me I realise I had been made a fool. I’m not a rich man But I have got good habits god knows.I can’t offer her the gold & royalties of the world, but I could offer everlasting trust,faith, & companionship forever. But guess not everyone wants that.
Today shes avoiding me, refusing to talk, don’t know if her parents will tell her, Hazel has to stop all these drugs & become more matured & learn to be responsible. What I feel bad is when you have the happiness of the world why run after materialistic things.
Today I feel if shes happy staying away then I think it would be right for both to divorce permanently.
I cannot see the disapointment on my mothers face, she keeps asking me why did hazel tell lies, & I don’t have an answer. I got married thinking I’ll bring happiness to everyone after my dad died, but I only brought sadness. Today I feel like a person that has tried everything & still not succeeded, & cannot do more.
I have lost what little trust & faith I had in her, tomorrow I cannot trust that the person may harm my mother, or even use the drugs on her.
The situation is so bad, & they feel its a joke, a joke was made of the vows in church.I was made a fool for 3 years. Today I really seek a permanent solution A Divorce.
Hopefully We both can marry again one day & be happier.

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